Jacob Upuzi

Monday, July 6, 2009

TWITTER TWEXPANDS

Twitter, the micro-blogging site for the grammatically challenged, has announced that it is creating a second site tailored to the needs of pre-school children.

As explained by Twed Twupuzi, Twitter's Senior Vice President Revenue,

“Each generation of parents increases the stress level in their child's development. First it was getting into college, then it was getting into the ‘right’ college, then it was the ‘advanced’ high school, until the last generation of parents was concerned about getting into the ‘socially acceptable’ play group. The current generation of parents, addicted Twitter users (Twits), are concerned that their children will grow up not knowing how to send Twitter messages (Tweets). Twitter believes that it has a moral responsibility to help these Twits addict their young children to the concept that everyone really cares about the minutia of their lives.”

Beginning next month Twitter will make available its new site, Pitter-Patter. This site will only be available to children aged two to five. Messages will be limited to twenty-five characters due to the limited vocabulary of this age group. Users of this service will be known as ‘Twitlets’ and the messages will be known as ‘Peeps’.

Friday, June 26, 2009

SENATE REALITY CHECK

In light of the shocking revelation that Jon and Kate Gosselin have been living apart for two years, the United States Senate has postponed any discussions on meaningful health care reform in order to investigate reality television shows.

The committee will be chaired by Senator John Kerry (D-MA), whose major legislative accomplishment during his over eighteen year Senate career was the re-scheduling of a Patriots football game from the NFL Network to broadcast television. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) stated that “Senator Kerry is the perfect man to waste time and taxpayer money on a frivolous investigation. He really takes television seriously.”

Senator Kerry's office released the following statement.

“Senator Kerry is honored to head up the investigation of reality television shows. While the American people expect politicians to lie, they assume that reality shows are real. The outrage being expressed over the Jon and Kate story demands that the Federal government do something. If the public thinks that reality shows are fake, they may start believing that professional wrestling is fake, or that the Iron Chefs are given a list of possible ‘secret’ ingredients beforehand.”

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

STIMULUS PROGRAM ENDS

Obama administration officials have ordered that a new name be used for the economic recovery program.

The statements of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner admitting that the trillions of dollars spent by the Obama administration are not stimulating the economy as planned, along with the International Monetary Fund's (IMF) assessment that the US economy will only grow marginally by mid-2010, and “tepid” growth as outlined in UCLA's Anderson Forecast, have caused the administration to start referring to the President's recovery plan by a new name.

According to a source that spoke anonymously because he was not authorized to speak about the matter,

“The President wants to turn down the stimulus talk because people's hopes have risen too high. They actually thought that something was going to happen after wasting trillions of dollars.”

The administration now wants everyone to refer to the program as ‘stimulite’.

We are not sure whether this is a reference to the ‘less filling’ Miller Lite beer commercials, or a metaphorical reference to cellulite, and the fat that exists in the Federal budget.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

SAMMY GETS HALL CALL

Sammy Sosa, soon to be retired and indicted home run slugger, has received his much anticipated call from the hall of fame.

The Pills and Needles Sports Hall of Fame (PINS) has included Shootin Sammy Sosa in its inaugural hall of fame class. Joining Sammy as initial inductees are Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and Rafael Palmeiro.

Mr. Mark Despistar, head of the PINS selection committee, stated that

“...although all of the above mentioned players are despicable in their own right, Sammy stands out for not only perjuring himself before Congress, but for his two most famous quotes. First, that he doesn't understand English very well, even though his English sounded perfectly normal on the multitude of commercials he made before his fall from grace. Second, that Flintstones vitamins caused him to go from a normal sized ball player to a hulking behemoth that made The Crusher look like a poster child for Jenny Craig.”

The induction ceremony is going to be held August 8th at Steve and Rita Roids Chili Emporium in South Norwalk, Connecticut. Maury Povich will act as master of ceremonies.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

SMBs CANCEL HEALTH INSURANCE

Small and Medium Businesses (SMBs) will cancel their health insurance plans if the United States begins taxing them.

A recent survey of the five hundred thousand members of the Small Businesses Against Socialized Medicine (SBASM) has found that over ninety percent (90%) will cancel their health insurance plans if the federal government proceeds with its plan to tax health insurance plans. Surprisingly this percentage remains constant regardless if the tax is placed on the employer or the employee.

Ms. Vita Sana, SBASM's Executive Director, stated that their members believe that they should not be penalized for providing health insurance to their employees.

“Small businesses are the only segment of the American economy that is growing. To make them pay for non-employees' health insurance will be the straw that broke the camel's back. Since President Obama already declared the United States a Muslim nation, he might as well declare the end of democracy and the beginning of communism.”

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

CBS SNUBS SOTOMAYOR

CBS News has announced that they will no longer broadcast any interviews with Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. The ban also includes her Senate confirmation hearings and any news conferences at which she is present.

According to a source that spoke anonymously because he was not authorized to speak about the matter,

“CBS would look hypocritical if they allowed Sotomayor to get away with sexist and racist comments after firing Jimmy The Greek for the same offense. CBS has to appear nonpartisan, even though everyone knows that we ordered Dan Rather to do a hatchet job on President Bush.”

CBS has announced that it will schedule I Love Lucy reruns during the time slots normally occupied with the confirmation hearings.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

SOTOMAYOR SNAGS SYNODINOS

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has been awarded the 2009 Synodinos Trophy. This trophy, in honor of Jimmy ‘The Greek’ Snyder, is given annually to the person whose ‘out of context’ sexist or racist comment made the most news during the preceding twelve months.

Mr. Dimetrios Georgios, chairman of the awards committee, commented on how racial attitudes have changed over the last twenty years.

“When Jimmy made disparaging remarks about African-American athletes, he was fired from CBS' NFL Today. When Ms. Sotomayor makes disparaging remarks about males and Caucasians, she gets nominated to the highest court in the land. Maybe the United States does have a double-standard after all.”